WORLD AIDS DAY

December 1, 2005. A giant pink condom overlooks Buenos
Aires. In commemoration of World Aids Day, Brazilians
have wrapped up the Obelisk that is the city's most famous
landmark. It parallels the Washington Monument, only
smaller. You'd never find people in Washington making a
show like this, she thinks. She has a friend traveling in
Brazil at this very moment. Sex, liquor, all the reveling
that Mardi Gras caps is part of daily life there. Condoms
promote safe sex and avoid accidental pregnancies, she
reminds herself, as the people in Brazil might be thinking
now. The soft pink tip can be seen from miles away.
Accidental pregnancy, she says again, out loud this time,
testing the weight of the words on her tongue, calling it
nothing more than coincidence that tomorrow's her
birthday.

Woman Cited For Flinging Lettuce Out Car Window

Every farm has a garbage dump, they told her when she bought her house. But she wasn't expecting to find TVs, armchairs, cabinets, beer bottles, and whatever else tossed behind the barn. She should have looked more closely. There are a lot of things she should have done fifteen years ago. Like make sure the house had a decent well. Like hire a different firm to replace the windows. Like not get divorced and move up here. The McDonald's four miles away wasn't even built back then. But it's the only place in town open after 9 o'clock, her daughter's hungry, and this God damned crap's already decomposing.

Vet analyses pet owners

I wish you could do something about my dog's bad breath says a man, himself reeking of garlic and onions. A frizzy-haired woman complains that her collie never lets herself be brushed. Most of the time he laughs at the resemblances. Last year he diagnosed a cat as diabetic, the first indicator that the owner might be as well (they'd snack on chocolate together while watching tv until way after midnight), and that early diagnosis has kept them both off medication. But the scrawny, bedraggled poodle carried in today, who never playfully runs about the yard anymore and usually throws up right after she's eaten, unnerves him. The teenager who brought him in had that far-away look in her eyes. Her skin was taking on an ashen tone.

The Ugliest Man in the World

The ugliest man in the world is 56 years old, has all his teeth, and wears thin wire-rimmed glasses. He's proposed 5000 times, and been rejected each time. Seventeen women have said yes at first, then changed their minds once they really saw him. He's carefully noted each failure in a little black book – three books, actually. He's a lawyer, he knows how important written records are. He didn't used to feel so ugly, but there seems no other explanation. Once he's married his appearance will be transformed. And it will be a lavish wedding. He's spoken to the finest hotel within 200 miles about renting the ballroom, and of course he'll arrange for all her guests to stay there. He's put down a deposit for 300 actors and actresses to attend: aunts, uncles, and childhood friends who wouldn't for all the world miss his wedding. The agency assures him they'll know which of the six forks to use for each dish, they'll have extremely good conversation skills, they'll be fully briefed on his background and interests before this need for a wife consumed him.

SUPREME COURT

Sandra Day O'Connor is retiring, and Democrats on the committee want straight answers before they confirm her successor. Meanwhile, a woman in Arizona, three months pregnant, has her own test. Back and forth to work, back and forth during rush hour traffic, she drives in the lane requiring at least two people in a car. When they stop her she insists the fetus counts. The court says no, fines her $390. But that's okay, Father Dennis has promised the church will reimburse her.

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